Falling Into Love, Gradually

September. My summer love project is officially over, and I haven’t had any dramatic breakthroughs. I was getting a little discouraged, but I remembered something that Reverend Michael said once in a sermon, that the changes sometimes come gradually, unnoticed until we look back and compare who we were then with who we are now. I decided to continue the project into September, October, November – to fall into love! I mean, if you think about it, love works in any season.

My first experience at Agape International Spiritual Center last January was stressful, particularly doing the affirmations. We had to lock eyes with another parishioner and repeat after Reverend Michael, something like “I see you. I see who you really are. You have potential. I know because I have it too. I see myself in you...” Saying the affirmation wasn’t hard in and of itself; it was the eye contact that killed me.

The first time I did the affirmations, I kept looking away. The next week when I went back, I was determined to hold my gaze as long as the other person did. I was sitting next to a voluptuous young black woman with a lovely mess of black curls and an amazing singing voice. She had introduced herself to me when I first sat down, and I turned to her when the time came to say affirmations with someone. Damn, she did not look away once! She made eye contact look easy! I was floored. Despite my extreme discomfort, I forced my eyes, even as they filled with tears, to stay on hers. I felt such relief when the exercise was over.

Every week I cringed as the Reverend approached the part of the service that called for affirmations. I wondered whether the potential partners on either side of me would be snatched up by others, leaving me to stare straight ahead awkwardly, pretending I didn’t mind being left out. It was the same feeling I’d had in elementary school gym class as I watched the boys circle around and choose their square dancing partners. I always quickly counted our ranks first to see whether there was an equal number of boys and girls, and when there wasn’t, I held my breath in anxious anticipation (while trying to look completely nonchalant) until one of them sat near me. So what if it was the smelly kid who picked his nose (probably a millionaire software engineer today)? I had a partner.

By some miracle, I always did manage to find someone to look at during affirmations. In my fourth month of attendance, I brought a friend with me, someone who had never been to Agape before. Well, I thought, nothing to worry about now. I settled in my seat, happy as a clam. What a relief! When Reverend Michael encouraged us to lock eyes with someone, I turned to her – to the back of her head, her eyes busily engaged with the guy on her other side! I stared in complete shock, recovering my equanimity just in time to catch the eye of a woman from the row in front of me who had twisted around. Afterwards, my friend apologized profusely, but I just laughed. What a wonderful joke the universe had played on me! I was fine, completely able to handle myself during the affirmations. Somehow, without my noticing, the anxiety had gone. I had grown.

I left Los Angeles at the end of April, and leaving Agape was probably the hardest part of all. I had been attending service once, sometimes twice a week, and meeting in a community gathering once a month. The inspiration and support I received had really carried me through the end of my engagement, my move out, my job search, and my decision to move back east. I was incredibly thankful for the opportunity to continue my participation online, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same. I took such comfort from being there in the Agape sanctuary, imbibing the sacred, healing energy. My first month away I bemoaned my loss on an almost daily basis; I felt so confused and alone.

And then – bam! Reverend Michael and Rickie BB were coming to do a presentation in Washington, DC! I could not believe my good fortune! I was in Pennsylvania, but it was only a few hours drive away, and I had a lot of friends I could stay with in the capitol. “You did it!” My friend told me. “You manifested their visit!”

I had the most amazing time at the event, and it was then that I realized how much I had changed. I did the affirmations easily with a woman next to me who kept looking away as she dabbed the tears from her eyes with a tissue. I looked straight at her and smiled the entire time, filled with love and joy. I grabbed the hands of the people on either side of me for the “Blessed Always” closing hymn, even though most of the people in the auditorium were not holding hands. I stood up and clapped to the music whether the people around me were dancing or not. This invigorating experience was being had by a new me, by one who had grown and loosened since her first stiffly formal visit to Agape in January.

I hope that in a few months I’ll look back and be amazed by the difference love has made in my life. I know that it is having an effect; it must be, but I can’t see it now. Sometimes an entire day goes by and I realize that I haven’t tried to be love at all. In my most discouraged moments, I’m not even sure what being love means. I try to remember to ask myself the question Reverend Michael brings up periodically – in this situation, what would love do?

What would love do? 

Exactly.